I Cry
by Ellipses
Summary: Buffy rethinks Xander's Ode to Riley (circa Into the Woods)- B/A


Title: I Cry  
Author: Ice Princess  
Email: ice_princess_287@yahoo.com.au  
Disclaimer: All characters don't belong to me...blah blah blah...yeah yeah, we know it off by heart now.  
Summary: Buffy rethinks Xander's Ode to Riley.  
AN: Why the hell was Buffy so sad looking at the end of Into the Woods? I'm an avid Riley hater, so this is just a fic that I came up with cos I was so bored. Don't ask for a sequel, cos I suck at fluff. Told from Buffy's POV.  
Feedback: Please?? Just don't ask for a sequel, too much on my plate at the moment, though not as much as SOME people, I'm just really slow at writing.  
Rating: PG-13  


I keep calling his name, but he isn't even looking. Not hearing, not caring.

I can see the chopper fly away and I don't know what I feel. All these mixed emotions over Angel, Riley, even Xander are flying through my head as I walk home in defeat.

I can hear Dawn using the bathroom upstairs, brushing her teeth, flushing the toilet, sounds of an average household. Mom is in the kitchen, searching through the cupboards for her favourite mug so she can have a nice, warm mug of cocoa before retiring to bed. Or so I think so, since I'm sitting at the bottom of the stairs, remembering. Maybe even regretting.

Watching Riley leave tonight reminds me of the other time someone left me. Turned around and walked away like he was just an actor acting in a melodramatic TV show. Didn't look back, didn't say goodbye. The girl falls in love, the guy breaks her heart and leaves in a dramatic fashion, leaving the girl to drown in her own sorrow. That's the same-old same-old storyline, right? But this time, with me and Riley, the girl isn't in love.

//You gonna let him go?//

Why not? I'm not really in love with him. He's asking, no, *forcing* me to tell him that I am. What a chump, asking to be loved?

Love is a powerful thing, one might say, to some other fool who might be willing to listen. But that's not true. Love is a weakness. Isn't that why they say that one is "blinded by love"? Didn't Gwendolyn Post say that about me?

But if love is a weakness, Riley is not one of mine. One is enough.

//See, what I think, you got burned with Angel, then Riley shows up.//

Who cares what Xander thinks? I wasn't 'burned' by him. He has proven time and again that he didn't like Angel, which wasn't even an issue anyway. SO what if Xander thinks I was burned by him? So what if he think Riley and I belong together? Isn't it supposed to be what *I* think? Angel saved my life over and over again, he would give his life for mine or anyone else for that matter. He has morals and doesn't lose his temper. Doesn't give me ulitmatums and doesn't ask to be loved. So what if he's a vampire? Does it make him less worthy? Less human than someone like Riley? Not in my books.

The tears are streaming down my cheeks, but not because I lost Riley tonight, no, it's because I lost Angel, so long ago now, and Xander opened my eyes to my 'blindness' so to say.

Yeah, Riley shows up, becomes Mr Dependable (and helps me keep my head screwed on straight so that I don't purposely let a vamp bite me), turns out to be a demon hunter who works for the Government, sleeps with FAITH (of all people) while she's in my body, and lets himself become vamp feed. The very demons he claimed to have hated in the first place.

//You shut down, Buffy.//

Yeah, the love of my life leaves for our own sakes and I'm supposed to go skipping through a field of daisies going "tra-la-la"? And pretend that there isn't an empty place in my heart that Angel took with him when he left?

Xander is much more of a fool than I thought. And what compelled him to go on the 'Yay Riley' team anyway? His loathe for Angel? Feeling like he had something in common with Riley that made Xander like him? Maybe Xander should've gone and given Riley a reason to stay.

//You've been treating Riley like the rebound guy.//

Why was I even listening to Xander's Ode to Riley? He's my 'rebound guy'? Of course he's my rebound guy, the one that isn't supposed to last because you're still hurt over the last one, isn't that what's supposed to happen with rebound guys? Or am I doing something wrong? The rebound guy isn't the one you stay with for the rest of your life, not in real life. At least I wouldn't think so. Well then not in this case, just to be safe.

Hang on, I'm disclaimering my own thoughts? Something tells me that that isn't supposed to happen...

//He's the one that comes along once in a lifetime.//

No, I already met the one that comes along once in a lifetime. Once during a whole damned eternity even.

But the real laugh is that I even took all that crap from him. Why is Xander telling me all about 'my once in a lifetime' or just love in general. He hasn't even had much experience in the matter. Preying Mantis lady, CORDELIA, Willow, an ex-demon who's scared of bunnies...who is he to tell me all this crap?

But it doesn't matter anymore. He told me, "Run", so I ran. This whole speech about love just made me realise--albeit, a bit late--what I lost when I didn't run after Angel, asked him to stay, or even said goodbye to him.

So I cry.

I cry because I know what I'd lost on Graduation Day.

I cry because I know that love is a weakness that I can't get rid of.

I cry because I know that I'll never have anyone else who I'll love as much as I love Angel.

I cry because I didn't run after him, asked him to stay nor said goodbye.

I cry because I told him to stay away.

I cry because I let Jonathan convince me to forgive Riley.

I cry because I told Angel that I love Riley.

I cry because I don't have anyone now. Not Riley, not Angel, no one, when mom is in such bad shape, when I need someone the most.

But I stop crying now, because I know that I DO have someone. If I call him, he'll be here. He can be Mr Dependable until I sort myself out again, when I can be independant for once. But that doesn't mean that I don't want him. In fact, if Dawn could take care of mom by herself, I'd be on the first bus outta town by now.

Mom is asking why I was crying, but I tell her that it's nothing, nothing important. I rush up the stairs and call the number Angel sent to me, the new one since his old place got kinda blown up. There's no answer on the other end. I leave a message on the machine and tuck myself happily to bed.

I don't need to cry, I'll be fine.

Just fine...unless Xander tries to feed me more of his Xanderish-wisdom.

Yeah, I'll be okay...

THE END


End file.
